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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26862424">Looking on, as all of life's colours seem to fade</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaleidoscopeminds/pseuds/kaleidoscopeminds'>kaleidoscopeminds</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sad Luke [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>5 Seconds of Summer (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, References to Depression, Sad Luke, Sort Of, Tumblr Prompt, as if that's a tag and I haven't used it for this series yet</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 00:55:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,063</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26862424</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaleidoscopeminds/pseuds/kaleidoscopeminds</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s not the endless days of apathy that concern Luke the most. That he can deal with, he’d like to think, adjusted to the way the weeks roll out in front of him like a flat path, no hills or troughs, just his own life stretching out featureless before him, vacant of anything of particular interest.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sad Luke [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1917142</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Looking on, as all of life's colours seem to fade</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Originally a tumblr prompt (as is everything I seem to write) this one kind of word vomited onto a doc. Sorry to Sad Luke who has to endure my feelings.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="">
  <p>It’s not the endless days of apathy that concern Luke the most. That he can deal with, he’d like to think, adjusted to the way the weeks roll out in front of him like a flat path, no hills or troughs, just his own life stretching out featureless before him, vacant of anything of particular interest. He’s accustomed to the way days pass, taking an agonisingly long time to simply just skim by barely grazing him, as he watches from some distance away. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He can live with Ashton asking him what he’s doing resolutely every morning as he corners him on his way back from the bathroom, Luke mumbling something non-committal in response, scared of hearing his own voice, and just how faded and listless it might sound. He’s coping with the way most days he slides back into bed until the sun starts to set again. He knows his routine of slipping into Ashton’s bed with him in the middle of the night and pressing his limbs against him in the oppressive cover of darkness; only letting himself search for comfort in the liminal space between days and sheets and Ashton’s arms before escaping back to his own room when Ashton gets up to shower.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>These things are familiar to Luke and what his life is now. Passive. What scares Luke is when the feeling that simmers under the surface, usually pressed down by a thick layer of grey cloud that perpetually resides in Luke’s brain, escapes out. Those days where he feels like he needs to scream and scream or his head, already a ticking time bomb, will just explode and leave a map of destruction behind it. Those days he can’t sit in his room because it feels like a prison but he can’t go outside because the sky feels too far away. Those days where his hands shake and his voice cracks with every muted conversation he has with Ashton. Those days that Ashton looks more concerned than ever.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Today is one of those days and Luke feels it as he’s roughly dragged out of sleep by another nightmare that he can’t quite remember the details of but is visceral enough to wake him up with a gasp and a feeling of compression around his chest. He knows it will be one of those days when he can’t slow his heart and his mind is already working in absolute overdrive about nothing and everything. He doesn’t want to see Ashton today, too afraid of the look he’ll see in his eyes when he sees the way that Luke is shaking apart. He hides in his room more than ever, delaying his trips to the bathroom and the kitchen just to avoid the other man, but he knows he should know better than thinking Ashton would leave him alone. Knows that he has a sixth sense when it comes to Luke. The afternoon is stretching sluggishly into evening when he hears a soft knock at his door.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Luke, can I come in?” Ashton murmurs through the wood.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I’m busy,” Luke’s voice scratches out from his throat, panicking.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Bullshit,” Ashton replies. “You’ve been avoiding me today. I know what that means.” He hears Ashton sigh and the <em>thunk</em> of him tipping his head against the wood. “Will you let me in, Love?”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Maybe it's the pet name, or maybe it’s the knowledge that Ashton will stand there for as long as it takes that makes him get up for the first time since the morning and cross over to the door, still wrapped in a blanket off his bed. He looks down at himself, thinks he should probably be embarrassed by the stained T-shirt and pyjama shorts he’s got on, but realistically it's been a long time since he genuinely cared about things like that. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>He opens the door to Ashton standing there, face carefully blank and stance non-threatening like he’s scared one wrong move and Luke will bolt.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Um,” Luke starts, wincing at the way his voice wobbles without his permission.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Can we sit?” Ashton asks gently, coming into the room slightly.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>At Luke’s stuttered nod of confirmation, Ashton sits himself on the edge of Luke’s bed and waits for Luke to join him. Luke follows and drops down next to him, crossing his legs and tucking them underneath himself, knees coming up and arms wrapping around them. He grabs hold of his own hands to stop them trembling and presses his forehead into his knees. </p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Luke,” Ashton says quietly. Luke feels his hand come to rest on top of his head lightly, his fingers gently picking through his curls.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Luke lifts his head to look at Ashton and sees that look, that look in Ashton’s eyes that he gets when Luke is like this. Luke feels the simmering come to the surface, feels the pent up emotion that’s strung up so tightly inside him begin to fray. Luke is suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling that he doesn’t know if he wants to kiss Ashton or hit him.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“Luke,” Ashton repeats, his voice just a whisper.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Luke decides on the former, falling over his own knees to get close to him, clutches Ashton’s T-shirt in his hand and pushes his lips against Ashton’s desperately.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Ashton doesn’t move, freezes in place, and there’s a long pause. A slightly surprised noise comes out from him, squeezed out between their lips and Luke leaps back as if he’s been shocked.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“I’m sorry, fuck, I’m so sorry,” Luke whimpers, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes. “I— <em>fuck</em>.”</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“No, Luke—” Ashton pauses for a second then Luke feels his arms slide round the back of him and drag him in forcibly onto his lap.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Luke blinks his eyes open and looks up at Ashton in surprise, the other man’s arms now protectively secured around him, large hands spanning his back. Ashton drops his forehead onto Luke’s, their noses almost touching.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>“We’re going to talk about this,” Ashton murmurs into Luke’s mouth, before pressing a kiss onto Luke’s lips.</p>
</div><div class="">
  <p>Luke makes a noise that he can’t work out is a sob or a laugh and feels something in his chest loosen, feels the ropes unknot rather than split and fray. For a few minutes he’s not watching himself but he’s right here, with Ashton’s lips under his and his T-shirt in his grip.</p>
</div><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>come and talk to me on <a href="https://kaleidoscopeminds.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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